Saturday, 20 April 2013

The Mighty Cockroach

In my closet a cockroach baby lived

My vacuum licked it away come spring cleaning day

Along with spiders, their webs and dust all gray

It‘d die in the dust chamber, I hope God forgives

Three weeks later dust bunnies were gathering

My vacuum got hot for yet another purpose

But a warm acrid smell made me horribly nauseous

To my surprise the roach was alive and kicking

No longer a nymph, it’s now a full grown monster

Sealed with the vacuum litter with no food or water

The insect thrived on nothing but dirt and moisture

It will outlive us all if the world went nuclear

Behold the mighty cockroach, so what fate awaited this beast?

I emptied it out onto the grass, and stamped it with my feet!




Monday, 8 April 2013

Warm Bodies


I like zombies. I’ve been catching all the latest zombie movies, 28 days later, zombieland, “… of the Dead” original series from George A. Romero, Walking Dead TV series and even the aberrant Resident Evil. You might then find it surprising that I am quite fond of the Warm Bodies, and its peculiar genre: Teen Zombie Romantic Comedy.

Meet R. R used to be living. Now he lives out his afterlife at an airport and eats humans for sustenance. But R is not very dead. His mind is burdened with contemplations of life death and conflictions about eating people. He actually narrates the entire movie, to effective comedic result. But he has no memory of his old life. Interestingly, zombies in this movie are highly functional, probably reliving their previous jobs to the point where even zombie infested zones have limited electricity supply.

R is truly unique but not alone. He has a best friend where he has almost-conversations with. The oddest thing is R lives alone in a marooned airplane right on the runway. He needs it, of course, to keep all the junk he has been treasuring like watches, sunglasses, and a vinyl collection which he plays (with limited electricity) to lighten up the mood a little. For a person who’s dead, R is livin’ the life.

This light hearted mellow comedy doesn’t follow the regular zombie lore. For instance zombies eat brains so that they can relive the memories of those they eat. This apparently compensates for the lack of the zombies’ ability to dream. And all zombies degrade into a malicious skeletal form – sans eyes and skin – eventually, they are called boneys. But other zombie conventions hold true – they won’t die unless they have their brain damaged otherwise they’re practically superhuman. The notion of zombie apocalypses doesn’t make much sense anyway, so the authors of Warm Bodies have my blessing.

Julie, our protagonist’s romantic love interest, hails from the city, a walled territory that keeps the dead out. She was on a foraging mission out in the dead zone for medical supplies. That day she met R. R was chomping down on her Julie’s boyfriend’s brains when his once dead heart throbbed a beat at the sight of her. Th- thump. He fell in love. He starts to live.

Given the film’s premise, I dare say this is the most interesting zombie movies I’ve seen ever. We have only ever seen the beginning of the apocalypse, and never the reverse. But Warm Bodies is at the end of the day, mainly a love story. And no, it is not like Twilight. If anything, this movies romance is inspired by Romeo and Juliet. (R and Julie, get it?) Furthermore, Nicholas Hoult’s spot-on portrayal of R as the perfect zombie boyfriend lends the film legitimacy as the most original and awesome zombie cum rom-com ever. 10/10.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Jack and Oz A Tale of Two Fairy Tales


Early in March I had the pleasure of watching back-to-back weekend screenings of what I would classify as modern day fairy tale movies. ‘Jack the Giant Slayer’ came first, then ‘Oz the Great and Powerful.

Jack is a twist on the often read bedtime story Jack and the Beanstalk where the single giant is replaced with a nation of enormous scraggly humanoids known as giants. They have managed to extend the fable of a poor farmer boy into an epic glitzy medieval war between a kingdom on the ground and the one in the clouds, oh yes a princess is involved. Jack is not without its flaws but on the whole it is wholesome, logical and at times fun.

Oz on the other hand is a prequel to the classic 1939 family-oriented fantasy adventure musical ‘The Wizard of Oz’ (and the book it was based on) which has spurned many sequels and reinterpretations. In this prequel we meet Oscar the magician who journeyed to Oz in a hot air balloon during a tornado super storm. Oscar would become the bogus wizard which Dorothy travelled to meet. We also meet up with the Glinda the good witch of the north, whose goodness is all too saccharine (read artificially sweet) for me. We also witness the initiation of the green skinned Wicked Witch of the West with an alternate storyline compared with the musical ‘Wicked’.

What strikes me as odd is that while both movies have a budget of around USD200mil, Jack is languishing in the box-office, a contender for flop of the year while Oz is close enough to break even. Oz has nowhere near the heartiness like Jack has. Oz, to me came across as incredibly childish and had me wincing the moment Oscar stepped into Oz. Larger than life flowers would greet Oscar like in Alice’s Wonderland. The Munchkin tribe have all the maturity of toddler targeted Saturday morning cartoon. And the biggest kicker: James Franco plays no one other than himself. 

No one dies in Oz, so that presumably pursues an even younger target audience. Jack on the other hand has scary giants and a lot of death takes place. However the gory details are left out for good measure.

Overall, out of 10, I would give Jack a 7.5 and Oz a 3. Jack the Giant Slayer is a far better production. So if you have watched Oz and are over the age of 10 and have not watched Jack yet, you might prefer Jack over Oz.

Monday, 25 March 2013

The Sulu Sultanate And Sabah


The non-state endorsed Filipino intrusion on Sabah soil has elicited passionate response from the Malaysia nation. I’ve read many articles from both sides of Sulu Sea, both pro Malaysia and pro Philippines. Both have made their arguments, and not surprisingly, I’ve sided with the Malaysian side. Sabah is fully functioning state with sizable economic heft within the federation of Malaysia and has been that way for over 50 years. Do you really expect Malaysia to relinquish authority over Sabah for it to become a territory of the Philippines all over some questionable document signed hundreds of years ago?

You should know when you’ve been conquered. I offer this same advice to the Argentinians disputing the sovereignty of Falkland Islands. Claiming land belonging to another country politically impossible if it is populated with loyal citizens unless war is declared and victory won. Leave the conquests of the past in their rightful graves, I say, and move on.

The irony is that the predominantly Christian Philippine government is currently amidst a war of civilizations with its Muslim South but conveniently recognizes the claims of the descendants of a sultanate that the Philippine government itself abolished. Even if simply for appearance sake, that former Sulu sultanate should be elevated to head the whole Philippine state, so that their claims would be more credible. (And obviously I’m not a lawyer). Instead of another land grab, the government should focus on asserting full control over ALL of its nation.



One matter that irks me is the amateur cartographer who took the liberty of enlarging the extent of the Sulu Sultanate without regard for the realities of history. So I would like to present a picture that has been circulating around.

The Sultanate of Sulu was only established circa 1450 on the islands in the Sulu archipelago namely Jolo, Basilan and Tawi-tawi. These three island form the heartland of Sulu Empire where the Tausug peoples are associated with.

The eastern-most portion of the inaccurate map could not have covered those western parts of Mindanao Island because that would have been the territory of the powerful Maguindanao Sultanate, a rival fellow Muslim Moro kingdom. At this time Brunei’s empire covered most of northern and northeastern Borneo – including Sabah but not the interiors which remained in tribal hands – and Palawan even up to Cebu.

In second half the 17th century, a highly disputable agreement between the Sultanate of Brunei and Sulu took place which saw the Sulu gaining a bonanza purportedly as reward for helping Brunei suppress a rebellion. Their prize was North Borneo, islands like Banggi, Balambangan and Palawan and all of Brunei’s territories to the east. No documents ever existed to prove this, however since the relationship between Brunei and Sulu were on warring terms, the actual border between them is anybody’s guess. However, the Tausug people did have settlements in Eastern Sabah - Kudat, Semporna, Sandakan, Lahad Datu, Kota Kinabalu, Menggatal, Tuaran dan Telipok - and even in Eastern Kalimantan which suggests Sulu presence of some kind.

On 22 January 1878, an agreement was signed between the Sultanate of Sulu and British commercial syndicate (Alfred Dent and Baron von Overback), which stipulated that North Borneo was either ceded or leased (depending on translation used) to the British syndicate. (Wikipedia) In that treaty, the Sulu Sultan signs over assigns forever and in perpetuity all the rights to the territories from Pandasan River on the north-west coast and extending along the whole east coast as far as the Sibuku River in the south.

This is the first time since the Bruneian cessation that any demarcation of Sulu territory has been recorded. Sabah then was then known as North Borneo a British protectorate administered by the North Borneo Chartered Company. North Borneo was the amalgamation of territories appropriated from both the Brunei and Sulu Sultanates. Unlike the baseless propaganda maps from the net, I use this historical facts to draw my map. One small caveat though, I couldn’t pinpoint Sulu’s domain on the Zamboanga peninsula before it was captured by Spain, so it’s probably inaccurate.


The Tausugs were a tough bunch, after more than two centuries of Sulu resistance, the Spanish empire finally subjugated the Sulu Empire on July 2 1878 under Manila’s administration. When the Philippines was a US colony, they abolished the Sulu Sultanate upon the death of Sultan Jamalul Kiram II (1894-1936) in an attempt to create a Commonwealth of the Philippines, a precursor to the today’s Republic of the Philippines.

The former Sulu Sultanate is not unlike Kurdistan in the Middle East. The Tausug people like the Kurdish are a people divided by the deeds of European colonialists. Today they reside in separate countries and have no state to call their own. In Sabah, the Tausugs are known as Suluks but still share the same language. The huge influx of Muslim immigrants from the Philippines due primarily from unrest there in recent times comprise primarily Bajau, Tausug and Bugis peoples. They have also been involved in the notorious alleged Project IC where the Malaysian citizenships were given out in wanton in efforts to Islamize Sabah.

Sabah is more than just hectares or acres of land. Sabah is about Sabahans, the most ethnically diverse region in Malaysia. On 31 August 1963 North Borneo achieved independence but 16 days later in a UN brokered deal acceded to the Federation of Malaysia. How would you justify returning a democratically governed state to descendants of a former monarch based upon the ‘facts’ that the land used to ‘belong’ to them. The land belongs to the people, and I believe they have spoken.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Retire the 1980s Action Movie Stars

Some movie stars don’t know when to call it quits. I’m referring to the Arnolds, the Sylvesters and the Willis’s who just won’t stop making action movies. Sure they make a couple of good ones now and then, but the majority of it are shallow seen-it-before action flicks. They are guilty of playing the same characters over and over again, which is plausibly why they are called stars and not actors. Please join in my petition to put an end to such tasteless movies.

Arnold Schwarzenegger  

You came from Austria as a body builder who transitioned into acting. You never learnt accents. You peaked in the 90s with movies like Terminator 2. You became governor of the greatest and richest state in the USA. You had a fling with the help and fathered her child. Scandalous. You had a divorce. And now you want to keep making action movies?!

Sylvester Stallone 

You got swag, machismo. You never learnt how to act. Your Rocky and Rambo series in the 80s brought you great fame. You never stopped. In ‘The Expandables’ you rounded up all your former buddies and made an ensemble cast B-grade action movie. You sinned big time. And you’re doing it again with ‘Expendables 2’. You’re approaching 70 for goodness sake, stop!

Bruce Willis  

You’re the most active action star of them all. You started with the Die Hard movies but since then you’re in everything! Your most decent attempt at acting is in the Sixth Sense. I don’t mind seeing more of you, but shouldn’t you dial down on the action. Transition, transition. I’m fed up of seeing grandpas running around with guns.

Jean-Claude Van Damme , Dolph Lundgren and other miscellaneous stars 

You guys never made it very big, small potato movie stars. But you just keep on making them movies. Guys, I’m sorry to say, you missed the stardom boat. So give up your dreams and lay low. P.S. Dolph you look really OLD, dude.

Tom Cruise 

You are a Scientologist, member of a cult which worship aliens. You have had 3 wives which you split up when they each reached 33. You are arguably the hottest movie star of our time. I admit some of your movies are good: Minority Report, War of the Worlds, A Few Good Men, Jerry Maguire. But lately you don’t really act anymore, you’re on cruise control. You wear the same smug movie after movie. You choose to play the same character: the suave unbeaten hero. Yuck! You destroyed the essence of Mission Impossible and made it all about YOU, but restored it in the fourth installment.

Enough with this insanity. If enough of us join in to amplify and escalate this, the 80s action stars will realize that they no longer belong in today’s cinema. By doing so we may one day hope that the gods of Hollywood will keep the sanctity of our cinemas intact. Sign the petition now.


Monday, 4 March 2013

Lincoln


Yawnnnn. For a movie that nearly won best picture this one is clearly not deserving. I have no idea why everyone finds it so good. When a historical movie titled Lincoln comes along, I’d expect a brief lifetime introduction, highlights, civil war. Instead, what Steven Spielberg’s movie focuses on is his last few months in office. It has two focusses, one is the politics and lobbying behind the 13th amendment to the US Constitution which abolishes slavery amid the Civil War with the South, and the second is his family life.

We see Lincoln raising his young son, consoling a sorrowful wife, played by a distraught Sally field, who finds it hard to cope with the death of another son a few years ago, and Robert, the eldest son who wants to join the military at the behest of his parents.

Lincoln believed in his heart of hearts that no man should be made a slave to another, which is why he pushed so hard for the bill to pass. According to the movie, the bill is “the most liberating constitutional amendment in history had been passed by corruption, aided and abetted by the purest man in America”.

Lincoln reeks of heavy and underhanded politicking and bribing, something you might expect in today’s crafty world. There are no exciting scenes other than this politicking. No battles. Even the moment of his assassination has been omitted. This is not what I had planned to see. Mmm, I wonder if Lincoln is better in his other role, as the slayer of vampires. 2/10.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Cloud Atlas



Every cloud has a silver lining even atlassian ones, I thought when I was right in the middle of it. Surely the 6 disparate stories, separated by time, must come together in momentous finale, all the pieces fit together for an ‘Ahhhhh’ instance. Arrghh that moment never came.

If you don’t know, this movie was based on a book that has six stories set in six different eras ranging from 1850 to the 24th century. The six stories are supposedly interwoven somehow. I urge you to google the movie’s synopsis if you are interested.

Watching the movie, I was unconscionably confused as the movie flips through all six time zones building each story in tandem. That is a pretty migraine inducing exercise. I did some research, and found that the book instead has a very unusual approach to telling these six stories. The stories are nested, all except the sixth story is told in two parts. The first story is the earliest while the sixth is in some fictitious future. The stories that have two parts break at some critical point in their lives. It follows the pattern 12345654321, the story ends where it began.

In the book, the connection between six stories is that the protagonists in each story (second to sixth) were reading or watching some legacy that was created by the earlier protagonist e.g. a book, journal, music, video broadcast and motion picture. Also all protagonist bear a comet shaped birthmark. Critics mostly agree that the author insinuated that all six protagonists are reincarnations of the same soul. However this writer believes that the six stories are poorly stitched together, they lack meaningful connection and most stories by themselves aren’t very good. Hence I was duly disappointed by the lack of a grand finish.

The Wachowski’s movie on the other hand also borrows the reincarnation theme. However, their reincarnation does not follow the comet birth marked protagonists in each story. Instead the siblings chose a few actors to replay certain characters in each time zone. So the soul of Tom Hanks for instance has a story arc of its own, reincarnated from story one to six. He played the protagonist once, but in the other stories he played supporting characters as well as short cameos. Some characters were evil, some good.


This all may sound interesting but meticulously following seven characters through six stories is an exercise in futility. I’ve found a gaffe too, one character cannot be reincarnated because he has to exist twice within the same time. I’m referring to Hugh Grant’s characters in the 1970’s and the present.

The fifth story is set in Korea, with all Korean characters. Since they decided to recast the same actors in all 6 stories, they resorted to using facial prosthetics which are at times laughable, just to make Caucasians look Asian. Exhibit A, Hugo Weaving aka Mr. Smith in yellow face.




I waited till the end. It was neither meaningful nor rewarding. The connections between the six stories are flimsy. The Korean makeup was annoying. I rate this only as a 3/10, don’t waste your time, and take a rain check.